I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
