God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
