he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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