My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
