we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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