Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
birth control should be required to get into college
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
