I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
