I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
