tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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