I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
