Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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