i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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