Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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