The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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