gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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