Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
