you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
