When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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