just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
