I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
