I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
3 2 1 whiskey
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
