If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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