I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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