I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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