Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
