one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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