when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize