i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
