the new term for farting is butt boxing.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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