i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
