Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
