I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
