Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize