she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Vodka?
Forever.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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