No awkward lesbian experiences without me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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