My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize