Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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