Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
