I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
