I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
