Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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