Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
