Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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