I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
