No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
