I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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