I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
