you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
