you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
