Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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