Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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