Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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