honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
