she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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