My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
