I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
