it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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