this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
