I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
