I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize